Sunday, October 5, 2008

Jacked-Up Names (taken from my Myspace blog)

In my job, I often call people with some seriously jacked-up names. (And before anyone asks how anyone with the name Crystal-Rain Love can comment on someone else's name, let me just point out that my name is F'n awesome! If you don't agree, bite me. My name rocks!) Anyway, I often find myself wondering, "Why the hell would someone curse their child with such an awful name?" Granted, some of the women could have married into a bad name, but still... Why?
SOME VERY BAD FIRST NAMES:
Fairy -(do people not realize this is slang? Why not just name your child Fruitcake? )
Pu$$y: (Not sure if against any Myspace rules to spell that one out) What really makes this one ten times worse is that it belonged to a guy. My buddy, John, called this guy up. The conversation went like this:
John: Hello, Um... is this Mr. Poos--
P: It's Pu**y.
John: Sir?
P: My name. It's Pu**y.
John: Um, yes sir... um, is that a nickname?
P: No. My mom named me Pu**y.
John. Oh, um (I can't quite recall but I think he just went on and started laughing)
Lusty- (Oh yeah. Her momma had hopes and dreams of that one growing up to twirl around the poles.)
Marijuana- I'm dead serious.
Reefer- Still serious.

BAD LAST NAMES:
Faulkoff - doesn't look bad, but say it out loud. We used to crack up at work when we got that name. My buddy, Ruth, loved it so much she said she wanted to change her own last name to Faulkoff. I told her to make sure she changed her first name to Ima.
Fagg- I had the pleasure of getting this customer on the phone. Our conversation went something like:
Me: Hi, is this Miss (took a few seconds to consider the least offensive way of pronouncing the name) um, Fayg?
Her: It's Fagg (pronounced just like that really not nice insulting word) but I got married. My new last name is (can't remember it. It wasn't as amusing as Fagg). I'm not a Fagg anymore!!! (her voice rose quite a bit with the excitement)
Me: congratulations. (really, what else could I say?)
BAD FULL NAMES:
Ada Way - (I guess they named her brother Erosion?)
Satin Love- (I guess there's worse things U could sit in.) Seriously, is this not the perfect stripper/porno star name? As a Love, I'm kind of irritated by it. It's names like these that make everybody think my name is fake. There are Loves out there, real ones, and we're not strippers or porno stars !!! Why do strippers and porno stars always want to change their name to something with Love in it? What does Love have to do with stripping and/or porno???
Peter Grabber - Why? Do the parents actually hate the kids before birth and choose to punish them? I just don't get what would possess a person to name their son Peter Grabber.
Anita Dick - This was a woman so she could have married into it, but if she did... would she really still need it? She should be getting it at least twice a week, right? Unfortunate name either way.
Ima Hooker- Need I comment?

There are many more awful names I've run across, but I can't remember them all. I feel bad for these people, but in a way I have to think they enjoy these names. I mean, seriously, how much does it cost to change a name? And don't get me wrong, I'm all for uncommon names. I have one and I gave my kids uncommon names, but I made sure I didn't give them bad or offensive names like these. I couldn't do anything so cruel to my babies.

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