Monday, December 8, 2008

Days Like These...

My daughter is home from school after having thrown up all morning. My brakes are not working well on my car.

Of course this is a day I'm supposed to put in a 10-hour day at work. How can I do that with no one available today to watch my daughter, and shoddy brakes on my car? I'm not leaving my young daughter home alone so I definitely can't go to work until school's out and her daddy is here to watch her. IF my brakes get fixed well enough by then I can go to work for 5 hours tonight, but that still leaves 5 hours of time I was scheduled to work, but didn't. I have every intention of making up those hours, maybe even working a few more for overtime later this week, but will missing today get me fired?

I've already been having issues at work, concerns that I'm not performing my job well. I'm trying. I've been there 9 + years and have never had anyone say such a thing to me before and there are many doing far worse than me right now. I don't understand why I'm being singled out. It's so bad I get physically ill quite regularly. The stress is eating me up. I've always had these little seizures where I'm conscious but my body, particularly my hands and arms, just shake uncontrollably when I'm stressed, and they're happening much more frequently now. I never know... Is today the day I lose my job?

It seems like no matter what I do, no matter how much I improve, it doesn't matter. It's days like these I wish I'd started writing for publication earlier.

I finally got published this year, five years after writing my first novel. Writing has always been my passion. Being a successful author has always been my dream. I don't have to be #1, I've never cared about that. I just want to be able to do what I love and make enough money from it to support myself and my children without having all this stress hanging over me. I don't need "riches", just enough income to provide my family & myself with food, clothing and shelter. If I could make the income I make from my job just by writing, I'd be thrilled to pieces.

That's my dream. To never have to schedule out 40 hours a week for a job, but to write whenever, wherever. To always be available if my kids need me, to never miss a recital or academic match. To wear my pajamas all day if I want and know I can take family trips whenever school is out of session. To not have to stress over sick days or driving in bad conditions to get to my place of employment. Take my lunch break whenever, and throw "business hours" out the window. To SLEEP.

But, despite popular belief, money does not start rolling in once you're published. You're still unknown, and if you're with a new or small publisher, it's going to take a while to build up any kind of writng-generated money. So I do Home Interiors... but other than the fundraisers I get 2 seasons out the year, I don't make much of anything with them either. Last year I actually ended up with negative income from them. I used to do cakes... but the pain in my back and hands limited me to one or two a week, and I didn't make very much off those either once you took away the cost of supplies.

I have a store:, but I make maybe $100 a year if that much there.

So I went from 30 to 40 hours at work so I could afford my mortgage and pay all my bills. I drive through the snow to get there, even if it means my car dies on the expressway coming home. I put in 40 hours, even if it means I miss things with my kids. I go in every day and do my best, even if I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop... because I've been there nine years and despite everything, it's a great job and if I lose it I won't be able to afford my mortgage or for that matter, feed my kids.

I go on because I have to, because I know I'm lucky to have a job in this economy. And if I do lose it... I just pray, because I know God's never abandoned me. So even though I find myself crying all the time now, worried to death that I'm going to lose everything, I know God will help me. No matter how bleak it seems.

On days like this I make wishes. I wish for a big Home Interiors order, new customers at my store, and a jump in book sales. I wish for a great day at work.

Then I write, because it's all I have control over, and I pray that everything gets better.


SaturnMoonie said...

Oh Rain, it hurts my heart to know how sad you are and that you struggle so! You are such a wonderful person and you don't deserve the anxiety. I'm not very religious, but I'm sending good wishes your way because you deserve it. It's very admiral of you to stick it out, and even under all this still have your faith. I'm sure you will pull through this, and just know that I'm cheering for ya. :)

Crystal-Rain Love said...

Thanks. I just gotta keep praying it'll all be fine.