I have to say that 2012 was one of my worst years. I have never been a big celebrator of New Year's. I don't drink or socialaize, so what do I care about a night where everyone wants to just get drunk and party?
In the past, I have actually considered New Year's to be my most hated holiday. That would be because in the past, I have spent every New Year's Eve recounting all the bad things that had happened prior to then and anticipating how bad the next year was going to be.
Not this time.
Around October, something happened. I was severely depressed for quite a while. I've never been so upset that I went an entire week without eating, but I hit a very low point this year and did just that. I think I had allowed things to pile up for so long that it just took one more thing to break me and eventually it happened.
But in getting broken, I came to some realizations.
People hurt me because I let them. I cry because I don't replace the tears with a smile. My world is ugly because ugliness is all I let in.
I have so many blessings but all my life, I've been the type to focus on the bad, to wallow in the hurt and misery.
I was sadder than I've ever been this year,, but I took a look around me. I saw mothers who had survived the loss of children, other mothers worrying about their babies struggling to live, children abused, and people with barely enough food to eat.
I have three wonderful children. I have a roof over my head, and food on the table. I have no reason to be sad. Bad things happen. Pain is inevitable, but focusing on it only makes it hurt more.
I couldn't wait for 2013 to get here because when the clock struck midnight... I let all the bad go. I said my goodbyes to anyone who I knew did not care about me. I threw away regrets. I turned a 34-year old frown into a smile for once in my life.
And tonight I wrote. I didn't care what I wrote, as long as I was writing something. I will write something every day. I'm not going to set a daily word count and feel like a failure if I don't hit it. I'm just going to write and know that each day I have done something.
I'm going to Baltimore. I'm not going to look it up on the internet and think how I'll visit "someday". The date is set. I am paying in advance for the hotel and the places we will visit. I am GOING.
I'm going to be happy. . . because happiness is mine. I am done letting it be taken from me.
So no matter what happens in 2013... It is going to be a great year.